All over the map... | jahsmah's Blog

My feelings have been all over the map. The separation/divorce is stressing me out. I am trying to maintain as best as I can and I know I have to do better about letting his actions get to me. There are times when I am hopeful he and I can get through this and be friends, and then there are times when I have to remind myself, we would not be going through this if we were friends. I have been making some realizations over the passed few days. I realize, many of the things he has accused me of, he is guilty of. He said I made him suppress his personality, I talk down to him, I am not supportive, etc. etc. etc. I realize while I am often very vocal about my feelings, this has worked against me because he is so quiet that no one notices when he is threatening me or demeaning me. For instance, his family thinks I am crazy. Partially because of what he has been telling them, but partially because when we had issues, I would call and vent to his mom. In hindsight, I realize that was not a good thing to do. They believe I am a bipolar maniac who is abusing their son, when in fact he has bee the one verbally and mentally abusing me. When he finally hit me, his mother said I deserved it. The shame of it all is, I loved him and wanted to work it out. I acknowledge I am not the easiest person to be with, but do I not have SOME redeeming qualities. I simply cannot believe I am getting divorced. It tears my heart apart to know he does not love me anymore and swears he never will. He has said he is tired of having a bipolar wife. I wish with a thousand wished I could simply stop being bipolar and be normal for him.  It doesn't matter now. It's over.
My mood: very tired

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All over the map..., posted January 9th, 2013

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